She’s interested but acting distant. Could there be a more confusing scenario than that?
Welcome to the exciting world of dating, guys. While I wish I could say that you can always be sure of your chances with a woman, you’ve probably figured out by now that trying to hook your ideal fish requires that you navigate some pretty murky waters.
Even if she was giving you romantic signals before, a woman may start to act distant all of a sudden for many reasons. And here’s the truth: You only have control over how you respond.
That’s why, in this post, I won’t bother to tell you why she’s interested but acting distant. Instead, I’m going to tell you how to change yourself so that you can neutralize (or even reverse) the situation.
To do this, you need to make two big shifts:
Stop any defensive reactions that will make things worse
Eliminate any needy energy that’s pushing her away
Let’s break both of those ideas down in detail.
She’s Interested But Acting Distant: First, Stop Any Defensive Reactions
Knowing she’s interested but acting distant probably drives you crazy. And when you feel like you’re going crazy inside, you’re bound to overreact. Trust me, though: This is the last thing you want to do.
Getting control of your behavior at this time is key. After all, she may be acting distant for a reason that has nothing to do with you. But if you start acting weird, you’ll actually give her plenty of reasons to avoid you for real.
The question is, how do you stop yourself from overreacting? First, you need to understand why you’re so upset in the first place. You might not even have known this woman before three weeks ago, and yet you’re totally melting down. How is this possible?
Most likely, it’s not just about her. You’re upset because how she’s treating you reminds you of a time in your past where you were treated the same way and it hurt you (even if it wasn’t romantic). So your reaction is really not about this time, but about all the times before. No wonder you’re so touchy about it!
Your overreaction, by the way, is called a trigger. And you need to get to the bottom of it so you can calm the eff down.
Figure Out How You Were Triggered
To determine why her acting distant sparked such a reaction from you, try this exercise.
Using a journal, create three columns:
List your fears, or everything that you’re afraid of happening with this woman.
Describe your defense mechanisms or ways you project your fears.
Write out where this trigger is coming from (in your past).
So here’s one example of how you might fill out your columns:
I’m afraid she is losing interest because she hasn’t responded to my last text and she never initiates conversation.
I play games and tell myself I’m not going to message her until she messages me first. Or I send fake texts and then say something like, “Oh, sorry, wrong person” to try and get her to engage.
Her lack of response makes me feel abandoned, which reminds me of when I was a child and my dad took off.
Or maybe you’d end up writing something like this:
I’m afraid she isn’t into me when she doesn’t reach out.
When this happens, I become defensive and project disinterest until I become so anxious that I send a text saying I don’t want a relationship.
Her silence triggers my fear of loss/abandonment. I first felt abandoned when I was a child and was forced to move away from my dad.
Try it on your own and see what you come up with. Make a running list of every time you get triggered and delve into where it’s coming from.
Ultimately, this process helps to eliminate your reaction cycle that continues to play out over and over. But be thankful for the trigger, as it is an opportunity to heal your core wounds and become a better version of yourself.
Flip the Script on Your Fears
As you just learned in the previous section, when we get triggered, we often become fearful and defensive. This can sabotage our early-stage relationships (and even long term ones too) and ruin any potential we had at forging a meaningful, sustainable connection.
When you recognize the trigger, instead of becoming defensive, try reframing your thought process. Instead of thinking, “she’s not that into me,” what if you thought, “she does love me and is just going through her own shit?” Would you still become defensive? If she loves you unconditionally, how would that change your perspective? If you had nothing to lose, what would you say?
This should help you to shift your mindset and bring peace to your inner world. It can also help you pump the breaks on self-sabotage. Tranquilo amigo.
Look for Evidence to Support Your Triggers
Often our doubts are all in our minds. Look for where you are making assumptions based on past beliefs. Can you find objective, tangible evidence that supports the claim your inner saboteur is making up?
I’ll give you a hint. Chances are there is no evidence because your fear is not real. In fact, after reviewing text messages or date journals, you may even find a lot of evidence that supports the opposite: She is into you, and she’s stated it explicitly.
So, stop trying to look for crap that isn’t there. Release the fear and you automatically release your defenses (the need to protect your heart).
Only Text When There’s No Attachment to Outcome
Before sending or replying to messages, think, “What if I knew she liked me?” or “What if I knew she loved me unconditionally?” How would that change the words I wrote, the message I sent, the frequency of my messages, and so on?
In other words, stop and ask yourself: Is this message I’m about to send her coming from a place of love or fear?
If it’s coming from love, there won’t be any attachment to the outcome. However, if it’s coming from fear, you’ll be hoping for a response — and when it doesn’t come, you’ll get more and more fearful and eventually start to have self-defeating thoughts that could sabotage you.
If you notice any desperate (fear-based) energy motivating your outreach, relax. Wait until you feel confident and unattached to any outcome. Ask yourself this: “If she doesn’t respond, will I feel disappointed?” That should help you to determine your own motivation for sending the message and ensure your motives are in your own best interest.
Eliminate Any Needy Energy
It might sound woo-woo, but everything in the universe is made out of energy. Good vibes and positive feelings attract higher quality mates. If she’s interested but acting distant all of a sudden, try shifting your energy to see if you can attract her back. Here’s how.
Hold the Vision
Maintaining a positive vision of your relationship can shift your energy, seep into your behavior, and ultimately draw her to you. You can do this through meditation.
Meditation allows us to connect with our higher selves. Our higher selves are the most attractive part of us, because our needy, fear-based energy doesn’t live there.
So, take 10-30 minutes each morning focusing on what your ideal life would look like. Eliminate any fears and simply focus your intention on visualizing the version of your relationship, self, and world you want to see. Don’t allow fearful thoughts to creep in.
Then, take long, slow, deep breaths in and exhale any negativity, anxiety, or fear that you feel in your body. On the inhale, imagine that you’re breathing in good, clean air and positive thoughts about your romantic future. (Side note: It’s okay to make-believe!)
Not only will this eliminate needy energy, but creative visualization and daydreaming is the key to manifesting the relationship of your dreams. If you can see it, you can achieve it. To use energy to create a positive outcome, you can also try affirmations.
Create an Affirmation
Affirmations are positive statements spoken out loud that affirm to the universe and your subconscious mind what you want to manifest. It’s important to put out positive energy — never fear-based negative energy — when it comes to attracting what you want. In fact, in his book The Hidden Messages in Water, Dr. Masuru Emoto revealed how positive thoughts can even turn water into beautiful crystals!
So when it comes to dating, putting out positive energy is very important, especially in the early phases when self-doubt, anxiety, and fear can sabotage a budding relationship.
Using a mantra, create a daily affirmation that you can say out loud at least three times a day to help attract more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. Here are some examples that might help you:
I trust the universe is bringing forward my perfect partner and that we’ll be together in divine timing.
The feeling I have about this person is not by accident. I trust that the universe is always conspiring with me to help me achieve my deepest relationship goals.
Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better.
I trust love, the universe, my higher power, and my truth. I am love.
Go on 20 Dates in 90 Days
I always recommend MegaDating because it’s the quickest way to build confidence and eliminate the needy energy that sabotages your dating life.
MegaDating is the process of dating several women at once. With my help, you can learn how to present yourself to women in ways that get their attention and make you more appealing than other guys. This starts with a killer dating profile as well as a full inventory of your past relationships so you don’t make the same mistakes.
When you attract enough dates to the point of going out at least once or twice a week (20 dates in 90 days is a good goal) you’ll relax and stop laser-focusing on just one woman. You’ll diffuse your energy across multiple women, which will make you come across as self-assured and desirable.
After you’ve been MegaDating for a while, you won’t feel the need to obsess over things like “she’s interested but acting distant” because you have more than one option. By the end, you’ll eventually find the woman you want to be with exclusively — but going on tons of dates beforehand will mold you into the type of guy she wants energetically speaking.
Work on Self-Love
Along the lines of MegaDating, the better you feel about yourself, your life, your body, your personality, the easier it is to attract the woman of your dreams. In fact, if you feel like the woman you’re interested in is pulling away, it’s a million times more powerful to work on yourself than it is to spend time chasing her ad nauseam.
Improve your own life, fall in love with yourself, eat healthy, work out, engage in exciting hobbies, spend time with friends, and really love yourself. Then, you’ll find that women are attracted to you wherever you go.
She’s Interested But Acting Distant: Wrap-Up
Many people say, “if things aren’t going the way you want, it’s up to you to change it.” For the most part, I agree. Still, you might take this advice a little bit too far. Changing a situation doesn’t have to mean trying to control someone else with your actions or funky energy. It can simply mean shifting on your own so that whatever happens, you’ll be okay with it.
In fact, a lot of my clients come to me to help them do this inner work. A neutral third party can help you see through your blind spots and really show you how to maximize your personal attractiveness from the inside. In my opinion, this is the most powerful way to approach things if you want to improve your dating life.
If you’re ready to start looking at these issues yourself, then book a call with me today. We can see what’s going on with you personally and evaluate if my private or group based 3-month Signature Coaching Program could help you create the results you’ve been looking for.